Friday, August 6, 2010

A Bummer of a Post

In light of a previous post in which I listed my grievances with the month of August and life in general, I feel I should ALSO list things I love and appreciate. I will post that soon :) The negative attitude in me tends to change my heart into a cynical, glass 1/2 empty kinda gal.
Right now, I'm waiting on an answer - no big deal. But, unfortunately, it is affecting my self- esteem because I'm taking it very personally.

I'm grappling with the sense of my days passing before me, feeling like I'm not living them to the fullest. I admit, I am experiencing a period of time in which I'm dragged down and flat out depressed. Apparently my Celexa needs some adjusting this month :)

Currently, my spiritual life is down the tubes, if I going to be honest here. You would think I would crave and desire a more personal relationship but I keep putting that relationship on the back burner. Rather than nourishing and cherishing the beauty of it, I find myself filling my mind with other "things" that only temporarily fulfill me. It is possible deep down I am frightened what the relationship may require of me because a relationship requires 2 people engaging to make it a fruitful thing. When I hear comments I know to be true such as "We really need to be praying on this or that" my spirit feels dead within me because I am so uninspired in that realm. Currently my life feels like a cliche.
I'm not saying this won't pass. God, in His mercy, will see me through it but right now the journey feels long and dry (like the current state of my backyard!)

I am reading a neat book entitled "Cold Tangerines" by Shauna Niequist. What a wonderful, refreshing read. Mainly it details how to embrace your life and the journey you have been given as something meaningful and significant. I hope it changes my perspective.
I can't rely on the words of some author to change me, however. You can't put that responsibility on someone. I realize that people have been inspired to tell their story and we can learn from it. I LOVE,LOVE,LOVE personal experience, don't get me wrong (can you tell how much I love it?) But, I know time spent in devotion is essential in the growth of my spiritual walk, still I struggle. I KNOW the answer but I keep pushing it away. I don't like how, in times of desperation, I seek out scripture and prayer. How unfortunate that it takes difficult days to bring me to that place, as if it is my last resort.

Let me remember that times of hardship ARE part of the journey. It they weren't, how would we ever learn and grow in our faith?

Well, this post turned into quite the downer. I'm looking forward to better days ahead. Join me on the journey.

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