Wednesday, September 15, 2010

A Gift Of The Rarest Kind

I have a wonderful and rare gift. It is reserved for just a few special people in the world and yes, I am one of them.
I am a world class procrastinator. If you need something done in a timely fashion please don't ask me. Unless you have a few years. If you have a few years then I'm your woman.

Unfortunately this "gift" comes with a butt load of baggage to carry around because I always have half done projects lying about all the time. I remember one day I was doing the dishes, water running, soap, etc when I said "Oh, I have to compost." I left everything running and went outside to compost. Actually, that might be some ADD kickin' in but at any rate I figured the dishes could wait, I think Ray finally did them when he walked in the kitchen only to running water and stacked dishes.

A prime example of shoving stuff aside in my attempt to deal with the pressing issues at hand such as blogging, facebooking and eating would be filling out my census report.

The dreaded call came last week in which they informed me the Census Bureau had not received my paperwork. "Uh yea - that's because it is sitting on my desk staring right at me."
I promised them I would mail it in THAT DAY and they hesitantly agreed to it but warned me I would receive another check-up call in a few days. Touchy, touchy aren't we? Did they delve into my past and find all the times I never finished anything?

So of course I sent the census in straightaway. Yeah, right. There it sat and the next call came yesterday afternoon. I knew I was out of options - I was trapped and I started getting a bit nervous and sweaty over it. "Don't put baby in a corner!"

I swear the questions they asked just about sent me over the roof. Did I mention it took 1/2 hr to complete?

These questions are for real!

Does your 8 year old daughter have Medicare? (yes but she signs her check over to me to fund my drug addiction)

Because your husband manages a tidy sum of employees what would you say your husband manages? (Huh? Now, I'm confused.)

Please count for me how many rooms there are in your house (should I include the chicken coop because sometimes I use it as an additional bedroom to send Ray to when he acts up.)

Do you ever stumble down your stairs? (only when I'm running for more booze, of course)

Is your 6 year old son a vet of the armed forces? (Yep, he fought in Korea just like every other 6 year old boy in America.)

Does your 8 year old daughter purchase her own insurance? (Yes, she is self employed)

How does your husband drive to work? (By walking, of course)

Do you have racing thoughts? (Of course, I'm a mother AND I had an epidural - millions of brain cells were lost in the process.)

Do you have trouble completing sentences? (See answer above.)

Can you see AND are you blind? (Well, as the old hymn says "I was blind but now I see)

Are you deaf? (Seriously??)

Do you have trouble dressing yourself in the morning? (Ok, Ok you wore me down, you got me. Yes, I have trouble dressing myself - is that what you want to hear?)

"Thank you Jessica, this call has been recorded." CLICK.

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