Monday, October 11, 2010

The Good, The Bad And The Envy

I heard a quote by C.S. Lewis yesterday..."Further up, further in, keep going." Well, I suppose I need to take that to heart in the journey that myself and all us are on. Sometimes life can be a battle. Mentally it can be a battle as well. I'm struggling with a nasty trait and it has an equally nasty name. It is called Envy. I sure don't like it but I have it...much to my disappointment.

On the up side (yes, I actually have one) is I recognize it, I know it and I'm working on it. It sounds easier than it really is. It comes and go as it pleases depending on the situation but I'm learning how to deal with it. My "sensei" Judy (I am calling her that because I think I watched too much of the original Karate Kid movies this weekend) was very affirming in how I'm working to be stronger than IT. So was my mom. Maybe I should just start paying my mom for therapy :)

To give you a better layout, let me first say I am kind of a grass is always greener anywhere but where I am. It is sad to write that because in no way do I want to appear ungrateful. I am very grateful but when I see others succeeding in very specific ways (think major blessings from above) I ask myself, "Why not me?" Why can't my life show evidence of that as well? First of all, I know things may look extremely awesome on the outside in people's lives but I have no clue what could be brewing on the inside. This is life after all! I learned something today. Even though I experience these feelings I can change the outcome by how I respond to the person who is on the receiving end of something wonderful. I hadn't thought that way before but it certainly sheds some light on the subject in terms of how to work on it. At least for me. It was just what I needed to hear because I have been making an honest effort to do that! Yay! I'm doing something right! I truly want to be a part of people's momentous events so that I can rejoice with them, it helps to quiet that niggling virus named envy rooted deep down. I am determined to beat it. It might be at the end of my life (if I have a chance to review it) but I hope not! I know I would see how ridiculous those thoughts were compared to the things that really matter. Currently though, it is like a bad word rolling around in my head!

I don't want to leave out lives that are experiencing great trial and great sadness and the feeling of "Why does it seem God has completely taken a vacation from my life?" For those that feel they haven't received a blessing in forever. In fact, quite the opposite. If I knew that I might have quite the following but unfortunately I don't have the answer and I hate not knowing. I just want to fix it.

Some day we may know and some day we may not. But let it be said to all those that struggle (which we ALL do at some point or another) "Well done faithful servant."

In the meantime, further up, further in and keep going. It's a challenge but one I hope to embrace.

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