Monday, July 11, 2011

Night Fight

It might sound odd but I am strangely addicted to my Kickboxing class.  I love sparring  and kicking with the guys.  For me, it requires a great deal of concentration so I don't wind up on my arse!

Friday night they have an advanced class where they bring on the heat a little more.  I noticed it gets considerably louder with these guys but it is a lot of fun and they are very patient with me.

So during my turn at the mitts one of the guys asked why I was so angry because apparently I was punching with wild abandon and they asked me where my aggression was coming from.  How sweet :)  I thought about that and decided anger had nothing to do it.  It was actually my competitive nature that tends to rear it's head when it comes to dealing with menfolk.

As far back as 3rd grade I remember wanting to equal the boys in their endurance with my girl prowess.  Whether it was playing football or running races I wanted to show off and try to be as good, if not better than them.  All I craved was their respect and admiration.  When I didn't get that and instead got teased,  I would kick them in their shins and call them nasty words that I didn't realize were nasty words at the time.

So here I am at 40 years old and the trend continues minus the nasty words and shin kicking.  I am still, at the core of me, extremely competitive.
 I still want and crave that respect.  I still want to compete with the boys. I still want to try and impress. Unfortunately I am not at a place in my life where I choose to rely on God's acceptance, love and grace for me.  Even though I know I would be a lot healthier!

Shall I blame it on the whole dad abandonment thing?  Not sure I can still pull that excuse all these years later but it sure sounds good.  While dads have the huge responsibility to show their daughters what unconditional love is (and sadly many of us have missed that experience)  I know I can't wallow in the past.  I would welcome the peace of embracing the present while living under the umbrella of God's unfailing love for me.
Believing and remembering that truth takes some doing for me

Well, I went off on yet another tangent! How boring!  Time to figure out something funny to write for my next post.

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