Sunday, January 29, 2012

Lessons in Listening

Nice to be back blogging again.  I have missed it.  I hate relying on technology to record my thoughts.  Oh the glory days of the simple journal, right? 

I sense change around the corner, some doors closing.  I do hope there are others opening though.  Hey, do you ever pray for a 'sign' and when you actually get it you freak out because you didn't think it would be that obvious?  Then rather than going with it and taking the leap you backtrack and rehash it and maybe, just maybe convince yourself it wasn't a sign after all.  Instead, maybe a subtle suggestion or perhaps a vivid imagination.  Am I considered a tease if I pray for it, see an answer and then shrug it off?  These are the thoughts that are keeping me awake at night.  Along with heartburn, nausea, nightmares and nervous stomach, just for added kicks and giggles. 

In other news....

Last fall, I was in the early stages of planning to return to Guatemala at the end of January.  I volunteer with this amazing organization that brings medical care to remote villages that don't have access to healthcare.  I have fallen in love with the experience and the beautiful people I have had the pleasure of meeting.  This time however, I felt hesitation and a restlessness about going.  It didn't 'feel' right.  Somehow the timing seemed off.  I still didn't know why but I put my name in for going anyway.

Then I got a job and then my mom got pretty sick and suddenly the restlessness was beginning to have a   definition to it.  Two huge life events were colliding at the same time and heading in the total opposite direction of Guatemala.  I knew I had to give it over and pull out of the trip.  I knew it was going to be difficult and as the trip got closer I found it becoming more difficult to accept.  However, I also knew there was no way in heck I was going to leave the country while my mother was going through her illness.

The team I was going to go with are currently on their trip and I have felt sad about not being there - totally selfish reasons, mind you.  However, I also noticed how heavy they have been on my heart - something that has continued to stay with me throughout the duration of their trip. 

I did come to a realization.  It wasn't my time to go on this trip.  It was my time to pray for those who did go.  It sure doesn't sound as impressive but I am OK with that (for once!)

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