Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Dealing With The D Word

Don't you hate disappointment?  Yeah, me too.  I'm struggling with it today.  It is such a bummer when what you thought was going to be a sure thing actually changed course at the very last minute.  Wow, now that is one messy sentence! 

Now if you are like me I struggle with disappointment and I feel it keenly.  When the answer to something is 'no' I take it very personally.  I love to make it all about me when most often in fact, it isn't.

I have been praying about a particular job for weeks and weeks.  My interview went great, I loved the possiblility of working for an organization and participating in a work I truly respect and believe in.  The recruitor was sounding extremely positive.  Then amazingly enough I was the last candidate standing.  Yes! I was in!

But then a better candidate came along in the final hour and messed up everything :)

Suddenly I became the Biggest Loser but not in the good, I won the show and a lot of money type way.

I shouldn't be upset because I seriously wanted God's will in the matter.  I have been waking up with a sick stomach for the past 3 1/2 weeks agonizing over whether or not I had a chance and if so, how it would look for our family. 

So why is it I that I pray specifically for God's hand and direction in a situation and when the answer is most certainly not what I expected I want to doubt it?  Is this a case of yes, I want God to lead but only if it is on my terms?  Most likely.  Frankly I'm tired of being disappointed.  Well, good news because life is full of it.

Of course then I move into self doubt.  Well, maybe I wanted the job for the wrong reasons, maybe I shouldn't have named that past manager as a reference, maybe I didn't sound interested enough in the position, maybe I l acted like a total flake, maybe, maybe, maybe.

Oh the joy.

So tonight I will be pouting under my blanket after indulging in a vat of Spaghetti Carbonara with lots of cream and parmesan cheese followed by dark chocolate brownies.  I will enjoy the smiles on my kid's faces when I tell them they won't be going to day care. 

That part is always a good thing!

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