Salvaging the Wreckage
Yesterday I did something that was very unhealthy for me emotionally and creatively. I have a tendency towards unhealthy thoughts when it comes to my self esteem. Some might read this and think, "So tell us something we DON't know. The dislike of self can be a tricky thing. While we may strive to be humble and aware of our meager existence on this earth, we know it isn't showing a grateful spirit when we (in my case) essentially deny the fact we were placed on this earth for a greater good. For me, it is easier for me to write this or simply use it as an example rather than apply it to me personally. And sure enough, my behavior yesterday proved I don't actually believe it for my own personal life. Case in point. I have been really struggling (AGAIN) with writing. Lately, I have been hyper focusing on other projects and counting my present inability to write as yet another hiatus. I forced myself to write yesterday if only to keep hope alive I wasn't done for good. I truly do enjoy it but if it doesn't flow, I get very critical. Finally, I had written a piece on some projects I am currently involved in. I published it. Then I made a mistake. I went and looked at a blog that while I don't personally resonate with, I am extremely jealous of for the huge success and followers it has acquired. The damage was done. I let the person who I feel has a very blessed life dictate how I felt about myself. Now, don't get me wrong. Obviously the person has experienced their own shit and while it may be different than mine, it still counts as shit. But here is the sad thing. Do you know what I did? I compared my blog with theirs and then promptly deleted my post because I decided I was too stupid to write about anything anyone would care about. Is that classic or what??? I have been spiraling down hill ever since although the cinnamon roll and mocha from one of my favorite bakeries helped. It was a VERY good cinnamon roll, by the way. I am coming to terms with the possibility I may struggle with this issue of self esteem for the rest of my life. It is a possibility that really pisses me off because it is really getting old! And while I would like to take this moment and blame Pinterest, Facebook, Instagram, Blogs, Tumblr and all that shizz for making me feel unable to measure up to other's successes, I know I can't blame them forever! On a good note, I might actually be getting tired enough of feeling this way to finally kick it in it's flabby white ass once and for all! What a wonderful, freeing concept!