Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Taylor Swift Visited Our School Today

Today my son started 5th grade in his new school. Last night he announced he wanted to start being known as William at school instead of Will because William 'sounds more heroic.' It was the first time I have ever been able to walk my son to school now that we live closer. However, somehow it was me that ended up wearing his backpack due to the weight of all his supplies. Go figure. I was disappointed by the amount of hot moms waiting with their kids out front. So. Many. While the hot moms were decked out in stiletto heels, designer hand bags, cropped skinny jeans and tan arms, this mom was wearing slouchy boyfriend jeans, flip flops and unbrushed teeth. Gross. While the kids had the latest and greatest Bento lunch boxes from Whole Foods, my kid was the one carrying the paper lunch bag with PB and J on white. Will or should I say, William, was surprisingly calm. He refused pictures however and eyed the fellow parents and students with a certain wariness. He told me that given the amount of people present, the odds were pretty high that a few evil people were in the mix. I assured him it was only the hot moms in the stiletto heels he needed to worry about. I was nervous about his school supplies. What if I forgot something? Did I include the 4 dollars for his planner? Did I remember his photo? Crap, I forgot the tissues and baby wipes. Would I be reprimanded for my poor planning skills? Did I purchase the right brands? I guess I'll find out. This is a school that will not allow any bad deed, including bringing generic pencils, go unpunished. Once the children were settled into their classes all of the parents were then invited to a coffee 'soiree' in, I shit you not, the "Reflection Garden" OK, first of all at our old school a reflection garden would be considered the bathroom, plus all the cool moms were crunchy hippie chicks that were plain awesome. None of us even owned heels, let alone wear them to school drop off. There is no way in hell I was attending a soiree in a relection whatever so I bypassed that landslide claiming my dog needed to take a poop. But here was the thing.... the look on 'William's' face as we turned the corner to his class made me wonder if he had pottied his shorts. Lo and behold, there stood Taylor Swift wearing a big welcome sign around her neck in front of his classroom door. How was this possible? I pushed my way to the front with Will in tow. I could almost smell the selfie I was about to get with her. Come to find out as I got closer it wasn't Taylor Swift at all. It was worse. It was a life size cut out of her propped up against the door 'welcoming' the students. The concern I have is Will's teacher is a man around my age. Why he would have Taylor at his door is a mystery to me but as we gathered inside the classroom I saw yet another life size cut out. It was his teacher. I'm scared to think what those cut outs do to each other at night when no one is there.....


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