My Seven Best (Worst) Thanksgiving Side Dishes

I'm not embarrassed to admit I'm pretty much white trash when it comes to Thanksgiving dinner.  I grew up with some pretty sophisticated holidays meals.  From prawns at Thanksgiving to homemade ravioli and tender gnocchi at Christmas, our meals tended to lean away from the conventional.

Perhaps now that I'm older I have an inclination towards the typical Americanized fare that is so disgusting, and actually should be questioned as to whether or not, it's truly food.

For the record, it isn't.

  Nevertheless, there is nothing like that catatonic state one slips into after consuming a years worth of carbs in 10 minutes.  It's hard to beat that slick residue Cool Whip leaves on your lips after pumpkin pie or the slight metallic aftertaste of the canned cranberry sauce.   

Call me a traditionalist (AKA creepy American).    

Don't get me wrong.  I love healthy options, inventive flavors and recipes that expand the palate.  There are certain times and places for your wild rice and kale stuffing or your braised brussel sprouts with pancetta, however, my Thanksgiving table isn't one of them.

Behold, I give you the things that WILL be (fingers crossed) on my table this holiday.

Lipton Onion Dip

Made with full fat sour cream, dehydrated onions and MSG. Serve with Ruffle potato chips and those little matching baby carrots.  At my table, double dipping IS allowed.

Boxed Stuffing Mix

  If someone offers to bring stuffing and shows up at my door with a big box of Stove Top, expect a too long that it's creepy kind of hug followed by a juicy kiss from yours truly.  Heck, I will even heat the water for you to soak those dry, so called 'bread' chunks and dissolve the seasoning packet in

Turkey Gravy Packets

  A pan of this highly salted chemical goodness simmering on the stove, with it's satiny 'texture' and rich powdery flavor is nothing short of perfection.  A must at every American Thanksgiving.

Canned Cranberry Sauce

Served straight out of the can, complete with the indentations the can leaves behind.  Slice it with a knife for easier serving.

Pistachio Salad

Oh yes I DID just say that.  Most people cringe when they see a family member bring in a bowl of that obligatory fluffy goodness tucked under saran wrap.  Me?  I request second and third helpings.

Candied Yams With Marshmallows

Served with more marshmallows than yams

Green Bean Casserole

None of that made from scratch mushroom soup business or your own toasted shallots for the topping.  Let's stick with Campbell's soup and French's fried onions, shall we? 

Given my mouth watering menu of the beauty to come, I'm a little offended by the family member who has announced they will wait for a better offer before coming to our home for Thanksgiving.

Guess that just means more GMOs, chemicals and food with no expiration date for me.