R Rated Holiday Appetizers

Trust me, these appetizers will put you in the naughty list, in more ways than one.  What is it about holidays that bring out the worst in me people?  I'm the last person you want to invite to a party where any of this stuff is being served because suddenly I forget I'm a vegetarian and eat like a cave man.   

Now, you aren't gonna find anything fancy here unless you consider "Lil Smokies' a delicacy.  There aren't going to be any capers and fresh julienned basil as topping for your perfectly formed treats.

Nope.  This is dig in, napkin optional, hover over the platter in a greedy fashion, type fare.

Hang on.

Bacon Wrapped Smokies

Compliments of my mother in law.  She makes these little artery cloggers twice yearly.  Once at the summer family reunion picnic and once on Christmas Eve.  I made a fool of myself over these causing her to wonder just what kind of woman her son married

Take 1 pack of smokies (I know, gag) and cut strips of bacon into thirds.  Use one third of bacon and wrap around the smokie, securing with a toothpick.  Make as many as you want.  Place them all lined up on a cookie sheet and dump a sickening amount of brown sugar over all of them.  Bake at 350 for 45 min or so.  The sugar and fat melt together and caramelize, creating quite the sauce.  Serve in a bowl or keep warmed in a crock pot on low.  This is high brow fare so serve to your most discerning guests.

Les's Big Balls

Hey, don't judge.  This is the actual name for this cheese ball. My friend, who shall remain nameless, Debbie Sullivan created this bad boy.  By the way, it  makes two balls. *snicker*

(2) 8oz packages softened cream cheese.  Mix together with 2 Tbsp Worcestershire sauce and a little finely chopped green onion. Shape into 2 balls.  Roll both balls in finely chopped walnuts and chill overnight.
Serve with crackers and display appropriately, if that's even possible.

Cured Salami and Cheese

Pretty big deal here.  Slice salami and any kind of cheese you want.  Place on a plate and add a crud ton of Ritz to go with.  Snazzy.

Smoked Salmon and Rondele Cheese

So, this is Lucky's fave holiday appetizer and I would be remiss if I didn't include it.  His daughters adore it.  Anyway, you that fake creepy cheese called Rondele.  Well, there is a Rondele with herbs.  I know, this is getting crazy up in here.

Take your favorite crackers (am I really suggesting Ritz again?  Why, yes.  Yes, I am.  I have no dignity left.)
Place the cheese 'mixture' on a plate with some smoked salmon along side.  Top your cracker with a smear of cheese, followed by some of the salmon.

Don't you DARE add any fresh dill as the picture depicts.  This is NOT that kind of appetizer.  We are talking full on 1950's food here with a little Griswold thrown in for good measure.  Let's keep it real people.

OK, I'm done.  Make one or if you are like me, all of them.  I'm getting in touch with my inner Betty Draper here, minus the cigarette on these.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!