A Melancholy Mood

Lately I count my day a success if I can put one foot in front of the other and take another step.  Grief presents itself in a variety of ways.  Right now all I want to do is lay curled up in a blanket with a book to keep my mind from dealing with the present state of affairs.  While that may sound dramatic, losing close family is so personal and it's effects are great.

Yesterday my step mom passed away which has a numbing shock on me and I'm not really processing the news quite yet.  She was a vibrant, talented woman.  While I couldn't stand her as a child, because hello - step mom, she rallied around me as an adult and was always full of loving support for both myself and my children.  

A gifted woman that amazed me with her talent to create unforgettable beauty, she made each day count.  Much like my grandmother, she seized each moment for what it was.  Good or bad, she persevered and made great strides in achieving contentment and happiness.  She forged a difficult path that wasn't widely traveled at the time, a woman starting her own business in the 70's when mothers with careers were a bit frowned upon.

I think I can honestly say, she reaped the benefits and rewards of staying strong to who she was even when adversity raised it's ugly head.  She jumped in with everything she had and didn't look back with regret.  

I, on the other hand, continue to wallow and cry each day over these recent losses.  I have Coldplay on repeat because the songs match my melancholy mood.  I'm stuck in my grief but for now, I think I am OK with it.  To be anything less seems calloused and unfeeling.

Yes, I may be reliving memories, perusing my grandmother's journals, sifting through photos and even sitting huddled under my son's blanket, but it's my season right now.