Yesterday I woke up with a nervous pit in my stomach because I knew I had a doctor's appointment to discuss the results of my biopsy.
I really wasn't prepared for the news when my doctor came in.
He delved right into the "I wish I had better news" mantra.
My pap smear changed from completely normal to severe in the matter of a year and a half.
He told me the name of what I have and it contains the word, "Carcinoma."
Deep heaviness in my heart.
Apparently I have a bunch of cells that aren't happy. They decided they were sick of hanging out so they jumped over to greener pastures.
Rebellious little shits.
So in light of that news I will having surgery in a few weeks and I'm scared.
I'm scared because even though women go through this daily and come out victorious, I'm a wuss and I make big deals out of things women squish with one toe.
But an aggressive, stubborn mass decided to take up residence in my uterus and I'm taking it personally.
Now I know I'm past having any more children so I hate to admit there is a bit of mourning involved in the losing of my cervix and uterus.
It could be due to it's finality and it could also be due to the fact it's another nail in the growing older coffin.
Regardless, I'm acknowledging it as a bit of a loss but I think that's OK.
On the other hand, what absolute gratefulness I feel!
Grateful there is treatment. Grateful it was caught in time. Grateful for the support and help from dear family and friends and grateful this didn't occur when I was a young woman. I feel a little more capable to handle it now.
On a happier note, I did what a woman SHOULD do when she hears bad news.
I ate this....
A new dress never hurt anyone....(thank you Mama for the therapy)
I may have eaten this too.....
And my husband gave me these.....
Throughout my day of weird news I was met with brief encounters of grace and I was so humbled and encouraged by it.
Funny how little things suddenly mean so much more. I'm thankful.