Friday, November 6, 2015

What Now?


When I first learned I was going to need a hysterectomy sooner than later, I flew into action.  Suddenly I had a purpose, a drive, a motivating factor.

With that I froze 2 weeks worth of meals, I paid bills ahead of time, I scrubbed baseboards and chicken coops, I filled the pantry, I worked ahead on my schoolwork, finished up appointments, made necessary phone calls, stocked up on extra coffee and chocolate and EVEN had my eyebrows waxed.

I was so glad I did.  I relied on every bit of it and felt grateful I had been so vigilant in my preparations.

Now after several weeks of waiting, wondering, two surgeries and multiple pathology reports, I've been given the all clear on my cancer.  For now anyway.  I read stories of women battling Stage 4 cervical cancer and wonder why I was given good news while others received quite the opposite. 

Yet I feel nothing other than a dull numbness. I don't feel relief, I don't have new perspective and I don't feel like I've been given a second chance to do right. 

I have chalked this up to another one's of life's curve balls, yet I'm stuck.

When I walked out of my surgeon's office on Wednesday, the staff gathered around and clapped.  Probably because they were glad I wouldn't be in every other day or pestering them with phone calls but man, it meant the world. What beautiful people. They had all rallied for me and I felt teary eyed over their generous concern.

Meanwhile my mother took it upon herself to start a revival service right there in the lobby, leaving the staff a bit bewildered at her sudden charismatic praise fest.

Because of my diagnosis I will need to have testing done at very regular intervals for the rest of my life and I'm absolutely fine with that.  Anything I need to do in order to stay ahead of naughty cells, I'm there.

But here I am and I ask myself,  "Now what?"

I don't know how to move on.

While it's a blip on the radar of my life, this experience has affected me in many negative ways.  I know that sounds dramatic because women do much more and embrace it like the bad asses they are, but this is me. 

Yes, eventually I can go back to my routine, maybe I can take advantage of the job offer that was extended to me and perhaps I can actually pass that religion class. Other than that, I'm feeling stuck because life has a different view to it now.  It's hard to think of returning to life like nothing ever happened.

Now is the time to cling a bit more readily to my faith and those closest to me.  This sounds cliche in my half hearted attempt to reach for the positive.  But, it's the best I can do.

I don't have words of wisdom to share here nor do I have some great epiphany to tell people about. Right now I'm learning that silence and reflection are just as important. Perhaps even necessary.


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