Wardrobe Malfunction Part 1

Those who know me realize I don't have the best fashion sense. I NEVER shop for myself. I dread it because clothes don't fit as well on my 45 year old hips as they used to. Back in the size 4 days, anything I put on passed because I was skinny. Now? Not so much. And because I already lack fashion savvy the things I have purchased? Truly, they belong in the rubbish bin.

My dear friend who also happens to be my awesome neighbor (how convenient) owns a business. Basically she is the grim reaper when it comes to clothes, organization and the like.  So on a whim the other night when she was over I decided it would be 'fun' to show her my closet and let her have her way with it.

Now bear in mind I own very few clothes. But after she was done I had 2 t shirts and about 3 pairs of jeans left to my name.

I gave her the 'great reveal' in Chip and Joanna Gaines style because I really had nothing to lose. For reals,  I hate all my clothes save an old Jimmy Hendrix t shirt and one dress.


My friend took a deep breath and started sifting through the hangers. One by one items were tossed on the bed with stern instructions, "Bring me some garbage bags". 

My clothes were described as the following:

"45 year old single kindergarten teacher with 10 cats"

"Did your mother give you this? Please tell me you didn't choose this on your own."  Oops.

"You wore this to an interview? No wonder you didn't get the job."

"Don't EVER wear ANYTHING with birds on it."

"You bought this dress in Columbia? Ship it back."

"Promise me you have never worn this outside of the house."  Crap.

My purged pile.

Behold! I give you the interview fail bird dress:

My Columbia dress (all this time I thought it was super cute) Apparently it wasn't.

Then we discussed the whole jean cuff scenario.

If I wear jeans I always thought it was cute to give them the wide cuff on the bottom. Oh HAIL no. I got seriously schooled on that one.

Small rolled cuffs? Fine.

Wide cuffs? You just sealed a deal with the devil.

Friday evening we went over to go to the movies. When I showed up my friend's 5 year old daughter looked at me and said, "Did my mom tell you that was OK to wear?"

Now, the positive is now that all my crap has been exorcised from the house, what remains are things I can wear and get away with.

Tomorrow night begins Part 2 of our mission. Shopping. My friend is taking me to 'try stuff on'.

I'm digging my heels because there are two things I hate. Trying stuff on and spending money.

Just wait til she finds out I don't even own an iron.....