One of the questions that haunts me, especially as I grow older, is the age old cliche "What should I be doing with my life?"
At times I long for the days of my 20's when that answer seemed more attainable because life stretched out before me. Now that I'm 45, I should have my stuff together so it concerns me that I still ask this question in my 40's.
So many times I thought I had the answer but before long that familiar twitching of discontent would start rearing its head and I would be back at square one, mind racing at 1am from fear of missed opportunities.
When I've bemoaned my lackluster career I am reminded by loved ones that parenting took priority over working on career advancement. I was a grateful stay at home mother for quite a few years and for me, that was the right choice and I'll always value that decision my kid's father and I made. But now my kids are teens and this question is hovering over me once more.
Right now there are so many opportunities in which we as women can engage. The call has been set forth, a challenge given to plead the cause of the oppressed and down trodden. So asking myself this question on a personal level seems a bit trivial when there is so much work around us that needs to be done.
We merely have to walk out our front doors to see it. I'm scared though. I'm scared my contribution won't be enough to make a difference. I think that's why community is so important - imagine what can happen when we all join together. We've already seen the result of it. I'm encouraged by story after story of people engaging in protecting the rights of others. I consider it a revival of sorts. The world needs more of it. Perhaps through these days of uncertainty we will find even greater love amongst us.
In light of this, however, I know my personal life needs fueling otherwise what good am I to those around me? While I feel selfish at times for concentrating so heavily on 'my needs', I also realize there is a balance and a healthy person in turn exudes health to others.
My husband told me "Do what you love." Sounds so simple, doesn't it?
Doing what I love can mean so many different things, like drinking coffee. Or eating brownies. Or watching my British crime dramas. Or reading the latest novel.
But something that I know that I truly love (in addition to the above mentioned) is writing. Writing stills my chaos. As I've said, my writing drives me crazy but NOT writing would make me even more crazy.
Even my kids have noticed. If they see I'm writing, they encourage me to keep it up because they see a healthier me. My husband supports it, more than I even realized. My dear real life and social media friends have reached out in my times of uncertainty. I'm so grateful but now I'm starting to understand that my story is MY story. Your story is YOUR story and I need to write because I want to.
This is what I'm learning. To write all of it. The good stuff, the ugly stuff, the embarrassing stuff. Write it, share it and write some more. Make people uncomfortable, make them think and in turn, teach myself. Push harder to be honest and vulnerable. Understand there will always be the naysayers. Listen for the words of wisdom from those that have walked similar paths. Surround myself with my tribe, my people and wash my hands of those who lack disregard for transparency.
I'm curious to observe what God can do when I give Him the chance.