Love In The Time Of COVID

A lot has changed since we last spoke....

In the midst of COVID and unpacking the global impact of systemic racism and how I can educate myself and my family, my parents took ill.

If we're comparing illnesses, my dad has the 'greater' one. My mom is in a holding pattern as she goes through tests to see where the root of her problem lies.

My dad however. That's another story. Out of respect for his privacy I will refrain from details. Suffice to say my brother found him in great deal of physical distress and got him to the ER. I believe he saved his life.

2 weeks in and my father remains gravely ill in California. Because of COVID I am not allowed to see him. Kaiser has been incredible in their management of his case. They have also become very creative in terms of "seeing' a family member.

Today they have arranged a video call in my father's room along with a palliative care team to talk about next steps. I'm not sure my dad will be able to verbalize sufficiently but I'm hoping he can somehow express his wishes how he wants his ongoing care to look like.

I have all sorts of worry about this. I'm worried he will refuse to see me on video. I worry he will refuse to share (as best as he can) his wishes. I worry about the shock I will be in when I see how debilitated he has become.

If anything however, I hope that a new voice and a new person might cause at least a change of scenery for him than scrubs and clinicians. 

I've been planning. I put on a nice(r) shirt and earrings. I made sure I washed my face (work from home life, right?) 

I have my computer ready for outside so I can hopefully provide a background of sunny weather. 

Even at 49 I want to my make my father proud of me. All my life I wanted to impress him. I can honestly say, my dad never once questioned my choices. He never was disparaging to me. He was never cruel. 

We align on so much. Our politics, love for animals, great food and the arts. He passed down his genetics of turning grey early on. My mom sees similarities in our appearances. We share the same Italian eyebrows. We could eat our weight in pasta. He says I make the best scones he's ever eaten.

That being said, my relationship has been complicated with dad all these years. Our communication very sporadic. Growing up, my step-father dictated when I could see my dad and even during the times dad made himself available, my step-dad wouldn't allow it. I'll always despise him for that.

My dad doesn't really know my kids. My kids refer to him by his name or "your dad" 

They used to think he was their uncle. I think it was hard for my dad to admit he had aged to the point he had grandkids.  I think interpersonal relationships are difficult for him. He has a tendency to disappear and would frequently do so even when I did make it down to visit. 

I'm not excusing his choices but I also want to acknowledge that perhaps a lot of his actions were held hostage by disease. 

I have an amazing supportive family. Not only the ones I live with but my beautiful step-sisters, my brother, my incredible aunt and uncle, my dear sister/cousin and my 100 year old Nana.

My mom who divorced my dad 47 years ago calls every day to check on him, even in the midst of her own health issues. 

Today I will try to smile through my tears when I 'see' my dad. I regret we haven't had a close relationship, especially now. I pray in the time we have left this might change.